Me during first week of on boarding: “Have you guys heard of the song ‘Weight of Eternal Glory?’ Yeah . . . that’s how I am feeling right now.”
I understand much more of what the Hillbilly Thomists meant by having the glory of God weighing on your shoulders after having been here for a little over a month. But I mean this in the absolute best way!! Whenever people call and ask for updates, I get overwhelmed with the immense joy and wisdom but also the pressure and conviction I have received while serving here. It’s hard to explain everything, so I simply say that I am slowly being crushed by the Lord’s generosity and providence. However I’ll admit, from an outside perspective, it sounds like a bad thing, doesn’t it? It sounds very burdensome. But weight does a couple things which I’ve come to understand:
1. It grounds you in true faith
Having such a weight, keeps me from flying off to some fantasy world of my own false reality. Often, I find myself at war with the ideal — the internal movie running through my brain, viewing everything and everyone as who I make them out to be. However, nothing remedies that quicker like encountering scents you never knew existed walking through the streets of the Bronx. What smells like a toxin actually turns out to be the cure for a disease I didn’t know I had — complacency and a rose-colored view of life. With one whiff, my feet are brought back to the ground, and I am reminded of reality. The reality that not every child has access to the education they deserve, not everyone has a safe home to live (with some not having one at all), and suffering exists and very present in this world. But in it all, there’s a river of grace and mercy flowing underneath it — I just need the faith to see it! Because my experiences here haven’t led to any ordinary sort of grounding either, it’s being more grounded in Him. In the Father’s promises, in His faithfulness, even when I cannot see it or understand it. With the open arms of a child reaching up, I am called to believe and trust in His goodness and fidelity towards not only me but also every person I encounter as well.
2. It calls you outside of yourself to love
If I have learning anything here, it’s that the world is much bigger than myself. Even if I tried to make life revolve around me, that quickly becomes impossible in community life. Having a small kitchen with limited counter space during meal times means I have to wait to get into the fridge or use the stove. Or when we’re all getting ready for bed but there’s only one bathroom for four people and three of us are night showers . . . sacrifices must be made. These are silly examples but you get the picture, and the message behind it is that these specific women are the ones who will sanctify me this year. God has hand-picked these gals to be in my life and I in theirs, and we have the covenant to prove it! But it’s not just a calling out, but an invitation to love, big and small, in times of joy and exhaustion. It won’t be easy, this mission will be hard and feel heavy at times, but that is why the Lord graced me with persons to share it with — but it first requires love.
3. It convicts you and stirs up hope
Lastly, this weight is unsettling. What I mean by that is it forces me to literally “not settle.” It inspires me to move, to live, to serve. There’s a heaviness, a sort of gravity to what I am doing as a missionary. One of the published works we read for training had this line:
All of us must speak the truth — including painful truths that unsettle not only our foes but also our friends and, most especially, ourselves.
“To unite the country, we need honesty and courage” – Robert P. George and Cornel West
If I am to follow the Lord in any way, I must act on the stirrings and conviction he has placed on my heart. It is not enough to desire the good for my scholars, I must do whatever I can bring about that goodness in their lives. Most of all, I must do so in firm hope in the Lord, which has been flourishing in my heart with every answered prayer and grace-filled encounter I’ve had since coming here.
One such moment came when I got my El Camino patron saint assignment. Each class gets a particular saint that they are named after, I was really excited to find out who I would receive. Brilla Veritas (the school I work at) has all the doctors of the Church, so I was expecting to get some powerhouses like St. Augustine or St. Catherine of Sienna, but when the screen flashed St. Anthony of Padua, I’ll admit, I was a little disappointed. However, I trusted that the Lord was going to do something with this . . . I just didn’t know what that would be quite yet. However, when I finally began researching him, I stumbled across a picture of him holding the Child Jesus! Which, if you don’t know, he has been CONSTANTLY showing up in my prayer the past couple months. In utter shock, I instantly began tearing up at the Lord’s providence in such a simple gesture. Instantly, the hope that I had for my El Camino class this year skyrocketed as I began to see how closely the Lord has His hand in my work. Of course, I won’t always experience this kind of clarity, but even the tiniest spark can explode into a fiery flame as I continue to hope in the Lord.
The more I write, the more I find myself at a loss trying to explain all the incredible grace I have received since being here. I mean I thought that doing a year of service was supposed to be about giving!! But the Lord is much more generous than I, so when I give Him a measly centimeter of room, He multiplies it by His limitless love and returns it with 12 baskets leftover (and then some)! I could go on and on with bundles of joys (if you want mini tidbits see the photo gallery on the front page), but I will just leave you with a few other final reflections and good memories from my time here.
After one of our long days of virtual training, we visited BCPE house and were graciously received by the gals upstairs until St. Rita’s mass at 7pm, then got to receive Jesus in the EUCHARIST, and as we were about to go back home to our shamefully (self-inflicted) empty fridge for dinner, some of the fellow guys came out of the Church and invited us to eat with them. And it was hands-down THE BEST dinner I’ve had since coming here — both with the incredible food and beyond generous hospitality. Then, if the evening could not get any better, they offered to walk us home (which would end up being a 40+ min walk for them round trip), only to be met halfway home by two more guys from our house who wanted to also make sure we got home safely. Like WHAT? Are you kidding me? My weak heart couldn’t take all the receiving, and yet the Lord and these lovely people keep giving it!!
Another day, my community decided to go to the supermarket together, and upon arriving, we were stopped outside by a woman who asked us to get her some hotdogs to go with the free buns she received from the store. After a long time of meandering through the store, she found us, afraid we’d left already without telling her, and gave us her name: Sandra. We reassured her we hadn’t forgotten about her and told her we’d find her outside when we were done. Staying true to our promise, we got her some hotdogs, and I asked her how we could pray for her this week. Setting down her stuff, she began listing all the specific things she needed prayers for, and I began taking a mental note of it all to pray for her later. Suddenly, she finishes, bows her head, and says, “Okay, I’m ready.” With stunned faces, we take a second to collect ourselves, and I begin praying over this woman right outside the supermarket entrance. Leaving that encounter, all I could think of was how the Lord invites to love in here and now. He rejoices when all his daughters come together to pray with one of their sisters, to be vulnerable with one another and tangibly love in pray and community.
These are simply two moments of over a month’s worth of crazy encounters and heart-stirring moments of grace and wonder that God has generously provided. Please continue to pray for me as I you, and never forget to let the reality of the Father’s love hit you like a truck, while simultaneously being received like a child in His arms! God bless!
Abiding In Joy 