There’s nothing more purifying yet challenging than when you are crying, kneeling before the Lord wondering why He would choose you for a mission that you feel so unworthy. This sounds a tad dramatic and sad, but I promise the story gets much better (with the Lord’s help of course)! While I knew that I would experience a lacking within myself to accomplish everything well, I held on to a tiny bit of pride as I told myself how good I was at loving people, exercising patience, and eloquently speaking wisdom.
The craziness began the first day of school, when I saw my first kindergartner, and I realized that I have no idea how to talk to little children. It had been a long while since I have been with a large group of kids, and I immediately felt very insecure. The majority of the morning itself was spent with a scholar (that’s what we call our students) who would not stop throwing dinosaurs at me, and preventing others from pulling out all the toys from the bins. At the end of the day, I was asked by my SST team if I could be a school para for the next day with my dinosaur friend. So, the next day was spent with safari animals instead of dinosaurs being thrown, chasing them around the classroom, doing my best not to be disruptive, and LOTS of silent Hail Mary’s. I have never felt more useless than I had in that moment, and it was my first (of many) humility pills I would be taking as I dive head first into this mission.
Before I go on, I want to sprinkle in some of the many joys I have received over these past few weeks. I have truly seen the joy and innocence of these children in seeing how simply they approach friendship with each other, overhearing their conversations about anything and everything, like one of my scholars who wanted to show me his “scrab” as he called it (a scratch he had on his elbow) from playing in the park. Or another one who we believe is going to become the next Forest Gump, with the way he runs non-stop around the classroom, but who also has the purest sense of wonder I have ever had the joy of encountering. Additionally, the love I have received from the SST team and my fellow fellows, who have encouraged me along the way and given me so much support and insight into serving these children has been non-stop grace!
Now, back to part of me kneeling: the biggest moment of simultaneous pain and grace came with one particular disciple (what we call our scholars in El Camino) who I particularly struggled to love. After a rough lesson and lots of mess to clean up, without realizing it, I found myself internally frustrated at them, blaming them for ruining my lesson. Finding a drawing the disciple did on the empty prayer table (because they had taken everything else off), I unconsciously put it in my folder, not knowing why I felt the need to keep it. I went straight to evening mass, and at the offertory, the image of the disciple’s drawing lying on the altar cloth popped into my mind. Stunned, I felt this overwhelming awareness that this child was a beloved child of the Father, and I was placing my lesson or perception of El Camino over their dignity. Safe to say, that wreaked my ego, and I was very much humbled by my limited love. I began to doubt in my ability to serve with such a small heart.
But active love is labour and fortitude, and for some people too, perhaps, a complete science. But I predict that just when you see with horror that in spite of all your efforts you are getting farther from your goal instead of nearer to it – at that very moment I predict that you will reach it and behold clearly the miraculous power of the Lord who has been all the time loving and mysteriously guiding you.
The Brothers Karamazov
As I continued to cry and kneel after mass, I felt a tap on my shoulder, and I thought it was one of my community members coming up to me. However, to my surprise, it was one of the priests of our parish! Quickly, I wiped my eyes, knowing that I looked like a mess, but he just looked at me and said, “You teach me English.” Thinking I must have heard him wrong, I asked for some clarification, and he told me he doesn’t know English very well and needed help with writing his homily for the Sunday English mass. We set a time for that Friday, and after he left, I turned to the tabernacle in wonder at what just happened.
In that moment, God was reminding me that even in my lacking, I am His beloved daughter, too! He loves me just as he loves the children I serve, and He wants me to be an instrument for his glory. In fact, the greater the lacking, the greater HIS LOVE and GRACE shine. Take the priest asking me for help: he doesn’t know me well or my faith background, he knows I cannot speak Spanish, and if the previous week had made me believe anything, it was that I am not well equipped at teaching anything — let alone English! And yet, I was the one he asked. Me? Why? I am reminded of a passage from a book I began reading last year on what it means to be called to something:
The consenter knows that much struggle awaits him. He will not always have joy; hours of doubt will overfall him; his mistakes and weaknesses will not abandon him. He will be in the danger of increasing the multitude of the lukewarm. He does not have the feeling that the monastery, seminary or community receiving him is gaining much. He is a questionable gift with which they will be able to do less than with most of the others who could have applied. He, nevertheless, has no choice, since God has precisely pointed to him. God wants him, and God, therefore, provides the voucher for him. If God gives him the strength to consent, he can also give him the strength to persevere in letting himself be changed.
Adrienne Von Speyr – They Followed His Call
The call of the particular is a mystery. It is much easier to accept and understand God’s love and providence in the universal, general sense, than in the particular, personal moments in which He works. That he would want to love me in even the smallest of moments and call out to me in the most creative of ways continually astounds me.
Take for example two weeks ago when two of my friends and I got caught in the flash flood in the middle of Manhattan at 10pm. Stranded because the trains were running due to heavy rains, we struggled for almost an hour trying to get hold of an Uber. All I could think was to ask the Lord to get us home as we stood in the pouring, chilly night. After feeling a nudge to download another car service, miraculously we were able to get a car less than 10 mins later. The driver’s name was Festus, which a fellow had joked that this was a fake driver because, “Whose name is Festus???” Picking us up, we told him how thankful we were that he came when he did, and he told us about how earlier in the night, he got caught in some of the bad whether and kept repeating the prayer, “Lord, take me home!” And we replied, “Festus, we were asking the same thing, buddy! Our prayers were connected.” He was beyond kind to us, even dropping one of us off, who lived at a different house a little out of the way, at their front door! Then, after arriving at our house made a u-turn in the middle of our neighborhood street just so we were a couple feet closer to our door. His generosity was so simple, yet so tangible! Out of curiosity, I looked up the meaning of his name, and two words that came up were joyous and steadfast. Are you kidding me!? The Father’s love is so enduring and *ahem* steadfast that he would ensure that his kids got home safely! What a JOY (hehe)!
I will hear what God proclaims; the Lord — for he proclaims peace to His people, and to his faithful ones, and to those who put in Him their hope.
Psalm 85
Even in these times of pressing and stretching, I am continually reminded that I am being held by the most loving God, who never fails to bring about His care and affection, simply for the sake that He loves me. I hope to continue being in awe of Him this year and beyond, just as my disciples have taught me these past couple weeks. One disciple in particular, whenever we talk about God and how he loves each of us individually, always shouts, “I am going to fall on the floor right now!” I pray that I can foster that same posture and excitement, and I challenge you to do the same!! Thank you for the many prayers you all have offered for me, and know that you all are in mine! God bless 🙂
Abiding In Joy 